
賴 妍 叡
Yen Yen-Jui Lai
This is a portrait beofre I cut my hair.
1990 born in Taiwan
2016 M.F.A. Painting and Drawing, Pratt Institute, NY
I draw something I do not understand.
By living on an isolated island in East Asia. My world is composed of stories and literature. These become the only way I connect to the outside world and feel free inside my mind. My imagination floats on water and the air surrounds me. I listen to the sounds of the ocean, and find the same rhythm in my heart.
For a person who lives on an island, the ocean is the end of the world. Space and time are blocked there, like a completely closed form. An outsider cannot pass through it, and an insider cannot escape. However, for the ocean itself, it is the beginning and the endless moment. I cannot understand the possibility of infinity. The ocean contains all kinds of consciousness, and it scared me a lot. In 2014, I made a big decision to leave the island where I used to live, but I suddenly realized I had just traveled from one island to another. By trying to escape, I feel I am drowning no wonder how far I am from the ocean. However, at the same time I know I need it. The ocean is the only connection we have to live in the same space-time, like a miracle in our gloomy lives. So I keep drawing the ocean, trying to overcome it and trying to understand it.
Drawing is a way that forces me to look into objects and directly face my fears. The process feels like a battle; after I finish the works, the fear still exists, but I can live with it. Life is full of sadness and frustration, yet it is fascinating. I want to capture these feelings and remind myself that there are still beautiful things around us. I feel there is an isolated part in my mind, like an island. In some way, I can see the isolated part materialize in my real life. I create a lot of empty space in my work, trying to capture the feeling of floating and leave a place for being isolated. I realize I am always floating, losing my direction in the infinite blue.
Feeling is an abstract form. You cannot really tell how a feeling works like a math equation. If I need to describe the feeling of my works, I will say they feel like silence. There is a lot of white in my works. Clean and white, like a quiet morning after the blizzard. Snow takes away all sound and time. The moment is still and perfect. Although I had never seen snow before I left the tropics; it was somehow the most familiar moment I felt in the north. I think in some ways, the familiar feeling has something to do with my childhood memories. Both of my parents worked in the hospital. The hospital was my home, and I spent most of my early time in it. Clean walls and white colors always helped to quiet my mind from the children’s crying, and I could stay in silence.
Maybe it was the first color I saw.
我描繪我無法理解的事物.
對於一個生長在小島上的人來說,海洋是世界的盡頭.時間和空間都鎖在這裡,像一個完整的形狀.外來者無法進入,在裡面的人也無法逃脫.可是對於海洋本身,這卻是一個開始和無終的時刻.我無法理解無限的可能性,海洋包含了所有的意識,讓我很懼怕它的廣漠.2014 年,我決定離開我的小島來到紐約.其實紐約也不過是另一個小島.不論多遠,我都覺得自己無法逃脫那種封閉感,但與此同時我也需要它們.海洋是唯一讓我們可以存在於同一個時間和空間的連結,就像是陰鬱的生命裡的一道曙光.所以我時常畫著海與水,嘗試理解它們,嘗試克服它們.
畫畫可以強迫我自己觀看事物,張開我的眼睛與耳朵.這個過程像是一場搏鬥.當我完成作品,我就好像理解它們了.生命充滿無常,但是卻也很迷人.我想要捕捉這些圍繞在我們身邊的美麗時刻.我感覺在我的心智裡存在著隔絕,就像一座孤島,所以我的作品中充滿了空白與漂泊.我覺得我總是在漂泊,然後迷失在無限的可能性之中.
感覺是一種抽象的概念,我們無法像理解數學公式一樣的理解感覺.如果需要我描述我的作品,我會說他們感覺像是寂靜.很多的留白,像是暴風雪過後的早晨.雪帶走了時間還有聲音,這個時刻是完美無暇的.雖然在來到北方之前,我從未看過雪,但這個時刻卻讓我感到很熟悉.這或許和我的童年有關聯.我的雙親皆在醫院裡工作,我花了很多的童年時間在這個環境之中.白色的牆面,乾淨的衣料,消毒水的味道,總是能幫助我平息人們帶給我的焦慮.然後我又能存在於寂靜之中.
白色或許是我看見的第一個顏色.
在我的腦海裡,我的畫永遠比他們實際的尺寸還要大.漸漸的,尺寸變成了一種概念上的事情.但這並不是我選擇較小尺寸的唯一理由.小尺寸讓我感到舒適,因為太舒適了,所以我做了很多.漸漸的,它們又變成了一件大尺寸的作品.我從來沒有想過我會漸漸地在創作過程中改變.我從畫海洋開始,但慢慢的我開始發現周遭有更多我感興趣又無法理解的事物.我描繪水(和海不同)、游泳池、空氣、音樂、鳥、星星,還有時間.他們都存在於一種流動的型態.有些有形體,有些則沒有.當我畫越來越多的水,當我能掌握它的本質時,藍色已經變得沒有其必要性了.無論我創作什麼,怎麼創作,水都能蘊含在其中.
對我來說,我想傳達的概念永遠比材質還要來得重要.漸漸的,在紙上畫畫已經無法滿足我的需求.“水箱“ 是一件沒有一個人參與的表演裝置.我想像無形的水,不停的滴進一個封閉的空間之中.我在一個空白的空間裡播放滴水的聲音,並在牆上畫上一條圍繞空間的線.這件作品會表演到抽象的水聲達到線為止.牆壁上的線稍微畫得比我的鼻子高一點點,所以如果我不持續掙扎,我就會溺死在這個空間裡.這件作品中的水是無形的,就像我們根本不知道是什麼東西正在慢慢的扼殺我們的靈魂.在這個空間裡,滿溢與虛無同時存在,但乍看之下,卻一模一樣.
我跨越了 12 個時區來到紐約.在 2015 年的春天,我突然有一股強烈的思鄉衝動,但我卻無法回家.被寂寞折騰的我做了“上岸”這件裝置.這是一個單人的小戲院,裡面播放的循環動畫,描繪著一個怎麼游都無法上岸的泳者.這是一件安靜的作品,描寫的卻是掙扎.
我開始創作於孤獨,但是最後,我卻嘗試著在和人分享我的單獨.在我的心裡,孤獨就像是一個圓形,像一座島嶼.在紐約居住了 6 年 之後,這個圓圈圈變得越來越大.如果說距離是一個物理現象,我們無法改變,但是當我們的心變得越來越寬廣時,距離的感覺就會變得越來越小.我不能停止創作.我必須更加的瞭解我們同時存在的這個世界.