賴 妍 叡
Yen Yen-Jui Lai
This is a portrait beofre I cut my hair.
1990 born in Taiwan
2016 M.F.A. Painting and Drawing, Pratt Institute, NY
I draw something I do not understand.
By living on an isolated island in East Asia. My world is composed of stories and literature. These become the only way I connect to the outside world and feel free inside my mind. My imagination floats on water and the air surrounds me. I listen to the sounds of the ocean, and find the same rhythm in my heart.
For a person who lives on an island, the ocean is the end of the world. Space and time are blocked there, like a completely closed form. An outsider cannot pass through it, and an insider cannot escape. However, for the ocean itself, it is the beginning and the endless moment. I cannot understand the possibility of infinity. The ocean contains all kinds of consciousness, and it scared me a lot. In 2014, I made a big decision to leave the island where I used to live, but I suddenly realized I had just traveled from one island to another. By trying to escape, I feel I am drowning no wonder how far I am from the ocean. However, at the same time I know I need it. The ocean is the only connection we have to live in the same space-time, like a miracle in our gloomy lives. So I keep drawing the ocean, trying to overcome it and trying to understand it.
Drawing is a way that forces me to look into objects and directly face my fears. The process feels like a battle; after I finish the works, the fear still exists, but I can live with it. Life is full of sadness and frustration, yet it is fascinating. I want to capture these feelings and remind myself that there are still beautiful things around us. I feel there is an isolated part in my mind, like an island. In some way, I can see the isolated part materialize in my real life. I create a lot of empty space in my work, trying to capture the feeling of floating and leave a place for being isolated. I realize I am always floating, losing my direction in the infinite blue.
Feeling is an abstract form. You cannot really tell how a feeling works like a math equation. If I need to describe the feeling of my works, I will say they feel like silence. There is a lot of white in my works. Clean and white, like a quiet morning after the blizzard. Snow takes away all sound and time. The moment is still and perfect. Although I had never seen snow before I left the tropics; it was somehow the most familiar moment I felt in the north. I think in some ways, the familiar feeling has something to do with my childhood memories. Both of my parents worked in the hospital. The hospital was my home, and I spent most of my early time in it. Clean walls and white colors always helped to quiet my mind from the children’s crying, and I could stay in silence.
Maybe it was the first color I saw.
我描繪我無法理解的事物．
對於一個生長在小島上的人來說，海洋是世界的盡頭．時間和空間都鎖在這裡，像一個完整的形狀．外來者無法進入，在裡面的人也無法逃脫．可是對於海洋本身，這卻是一個開始和無終的時刻．我無法理解無限的可能性，海洋包含了所有的意識，讓我很懼怕它的廣漠．2014 年，我決定離開我的小島來到紐約．其實紐約也不過是另一個小島．不論多遠，我都覺得自己無法逃脫那種封閉感，但與此同時我也需要它們．海洋是唯一讓我們可以存在於同一個時間和空間的連結，就像是陰鬱的生命裡的一道曙光．所以我時常畫著海與水，嘗試理解它們，嘗試克服它們．
畫畫可以強迫我自己觀看事物，張開我的眼睛與耳朵．這個過程像是一場搏鬥．當我完成作品，我就好像理解它們了．生命充滿無常，但是卻也很迷人．我想要捕捉這些圍繞在我們身邊的美麗時刻．我感覺在我的心智裡存在著隔絕，就像一座孤島，所以我的作品中充滿了空白與漂泊．我覺得我總是在漂泊，然後迷失在無限的可能性之中．
感覺是一種抽象的概念，我們無法像理解數學公式一樣的理解感覺．如果需要我描述我的作品，我會說他們感覺像是寂靜．很多的留白，像是暴風雪過後的早晨．雪帶走了時間還有聲音，這個時刻是完美無暇的．雖然在來到北方之前，我從未看過雪，但這個時刻卻讓我感到很熟悉．這或許和我的童年有關聯．我的雙親皆在醫院裡工作，我花了很多的童年時間在這個環境之中．白色的牆面，乾淨的衣料，消毒水的味道，總是能幫助我平息人們帶給我的焦慮．然後我又能存在於寂靜之中．
白色或許是我看見的第一個顏色．
在我的腦海裡，我的畫永遠比他們實際的尺寸還要大．漸漸的，尺寸變成了一種概念上的事情．但這並不是我選擇較小尺寸的唯一理由．小尺寸讓我感到舒適，因為太舒適了，所以我做了很多．漸漸的，它們又變成了一件大尺寸的作品．我從來沒有想過我會漸漸地在創作過程中改變．我從畫海洋開始，但慢慢的我開始發現周遭有更多我感興趣又無法理解的事物．我描繪水（和海不同）、游泳池、空氣、音樂、鳥、星星，還有時間．他們都存在於一種流動的型態．有些有形體，有些則沒有．當我畫越來越多的水，當我能掌握它的本質時，藍色已經變得沒有其必要性了．無論我創作什麼，怎麼創作，水都能蘊含在其中．
對我來說，我想傳達的概念永遠比材質還要來得重要．漸漸的，在紙上畫畫已經無法滿足我的需求．“水箱“ 是一件沒有一個人參與的表演裝置．我想像無形的水，不停的滴進一個封閉的空間之中．我在一個空白的空間裡播放滴水的聲音，並在牆上畫上一條圍繞空間的線．這件作品會表演到抽象的水聲達到線為止．牆壁上的線稍微畫得比我的鼻子高一點點，所以如果我不持續掙扎，我就會溺死在這個空間裡．這件作品中的水是無形的，就像我們根本不知道是什麼東西正在慢慢的扼殺我們的靈魂．在這個空間裡，滿溢與虛無同時存在，但乍看之下，卻一模一樣．
我跨越了 12 個時區來到紐約．在 2015 年的春天，我突然有一股強烈的思鄉衝動，但我卻無法回家．被寂寞折騰的我做了“上岸”這件裝置．這是一個單人的小戲院，裡面播放的循環動畫，描繪著一個怎麼游都無法上岸的泳者．這是一件安靜的作品，描寫的卻是掙扎．
我開始創作於孤獨，但是最後，我卻嘗試著在和人分享我的單獨．在我的心裡，孤獨就像是一個圓形，像一座島嶼．在紐約居住了 6 年 之後，這個圓圈圈變得越來越大．如果說距離是一個物理現象，我們無法改變，但是當我們的心變得越來越寬廣時，距離的感覺就會變得越來越小．我不能停止創作．我必須更加的瞭解我們同時存在的這個世界．